Am I Overanalyzing My Triggers?
My triggers show me where I’m vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the other person is blameless
Lately, I’ve been wondering: Have I gone too far with the idea that if I get triggered, it’s never about the other person? That it’s always something inside me that’s being touched, something I need to work on?
I’ve heard that concept in a few different places: The Presence Process, shadow work, projection… And it resonates with me. It’s helped me a lot already. If I’m triggered, there’s something in me that’s being activated, something unconscious that’s asking for attention.
But am I taking this too far?
These past few years, I’ve been trying to look at my triggers with curiosity. Last summer, one big trigger came from a job I had to let go. I was manipulated and lashed out on and it took me six months to realize what was happening. Honestly, I stayed because I needed the money, and because part of me was still stuck in the familiar pattern of not seeing when people abuse me.
It’s my partner who helped me see what was really going on. I honestly couldn’t see it. I had such a blindspot.
After this intense experience, I kept asking myself: How can it be that I thought I was right, and they thought they were right too? How can both be true? Isn’t one person “right” and the other “wrong”?
But I’ve come to see that sometimes people project their stuff onto others. And that’s exactly what happened in that job. With the help of my partner and yes, even ChatGPT, I was able to write calm responses to my boss. But they still wouldn’t hear me. They kept blaming me, locked in their version of “truth.”
I’ve been thinking about this dilemma all year. And then again these past few weeks, after writing my last article. I kept asking: How can two people both think they’re right?
I thought of that parable from ancient India about the blind men and the elephant: how we each hold one part of it, and think it’s the whole truth. But stories are easy. Real life is messier.
A group of blind men heard that a strange animal, called an elephant, had been brought to the town, but none of them were aware of its shape and form.
Out of curiosity, they said: “We must inspect and know it by touch, of which we are capable”. So, they sought it out, and when they found it they groped about it.
The first person, whose hand landed on the trunk, said, “This being is like a thick snake”.
For another one whose hand reached its ear, it seemed like a kind of fan.
As for another person, whose hand was upon its leg, said, the elephant is a pillar like a tree-trunk.
The blind man who placed his hand upon its side said the elephant, “is a wall”.
Another who felt its tail, described it as a rope.
The last felt its tusk, stating the elephant is that which is hard, smooth and like a spear.
Then two times in a row over the past two weeks, I picked the same oracle card. It said: Eagle ~ See from a higher perspective. I didn’t think much of it until I finally took a moment to reflect. And boom, it hit me.
I still doubt myself, though. Because it seems I’m always the victim. And that feels… too convenient. I’m never really the “bad girl,” am I? Is that possible to be more often the victim than the bad guy?
But when I look back at arguments or difficult moments, I start to understand. If I can look from a higher perspective, I can see the elephant. And I start to believe that if we’re honest and emotionally regulated, there is always something within us we can learn from.
When I look back, a pattern shows up for me: I often felt blamed, but I didn’t speak up. I would wait until the situation got unbearable, and only then I’d end the relationship, whether it was work or a friendship.
What I’m learning now is that I need to speak up earlier. Stand up for myself. Set a boundary before it gets too painful.
Of course, it’s easier to see all this after the fact.
In that job, I was a nanny. The caregivers (the baby’s aunt and uncle) lashed out when I asked for a sick day, the very first one in six months. According to BC Canada law, I am entitled to it. But instead, they accused me of asking for too many days off.
They were confused. The first few weeks of working with them were a messy schedule because I was sharing the job with another family. When one of the kid was sick, I couldn’t work with that family, but still got paid. But that wasn’t me asking for time off and that was just the agreement.
Meanwhile, they asked me to change my schedule many times when they were sick, and I always said yes, playing the good flexible girl.
Here’s what I think happened though: they were projecting. They had just been asked to take care of this baby, so they bought a $1M apartment downtown for them. Totally unplanned. They were overwhelmed, financially and emotionally. I think their blame came from their own stress and fear.
And me? I had my partner on my side so I stayed mostly calm and regulated, and stood by my points. I could see the situation objectively.
I can be pretty innocent sometimes. I don’t easily believe that people can be mean, especially if they’re kind to me at first… until I see it with my own eyes.
Looking back, I see that I let them manipulate me for six months. That’s on me. That’s what I needed to learn.
And if they had been emotionally regulated, they could have seen that this was the first sick day I’d asked for. That they hadn’t paid me any before. That their reaction was out of proportion and totally a projection of their own situation.
So again, from a higher perspective: I had to fight for my rights. And I did.
And maybe, if they had looked at their own trigger, they would have seen: We’re overwhelmed. We’re scared. And we just projected that fear onto her.
After writing my last article, I wrote this affirmation:
“This is my truth right now with the info I have and I stand by it.”
I stand by that.
I have no issue apologizing when I’m wrong. But I also believe that two people can each hold a part of the truth, and both be “right” in their own story, while still missing something bigger.
Here is what I have to reframe: my triggers show me where I’m vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean the other person is blameless. Sometimes, yes, someone’s behavior is unfair, unethical, even abusive. And I need to be able to see that sooner, and speak up.
One of the keys is to be aware and emotionally regulated. That means learning to catch our emotions before we act out of anger, fear, or sadness. And it also means developing the awareness to see things more objectively so we can recognize what part is truly ours in each trigger.
But being responsible doesn’t automatically mean we’re the perpetrator. Sometimes, we’re actually the one being hurt. And in those cases, we need to learn to stand up for ourselves.
Other times, we are the one causing harm and then the work is to regulate ourselves, pause, and recognize the impact we’re having.
I know I can go too black-and-white. Good or bad. Victim or perpetrator. But my brain works that way and I’ve learned that many of us split like that, especially after trauma.
What I really want is to be in the middle. Not a victim. Not a perpetrator. Just human.
I’ll still be triggered sometimes. I’ll still hurt people sometimes. But if I can stay aware, stay regulated, and take responsibility for my part: that’s growth.
That’s where the healing lives.
This is why I care so deeply about mindfulness and emotional regulation. They’re not just buzzwords, they’re how we build the safety, clarity, and inner strength to stop repeating old patterns.
When we can recognize what’s ours and what’s not, we stop taking on other people’s projections and we also stop projecting our own pain onto others.
That’s the work I now help others do. Not to become perfect, but to become more self-aware, more self-compassionate, and more empowered to live and relate differently.
🌱If you feel drawn to explore your own inner world with support, I’m currently offering counselling sessions as a student counsellor. You’re warmly invited to reach out. I’d be honoured to walk alongside you. Contact me
