Grieving the Time It Took Me to Heal

Did it really have to take that long?

⚠️ Suicidal ideation mention

Last week, in class, we started learning about DBT – Dialectical Behavior Therapy. It’s a therapy model that includes mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness.

I had never heard of it before – only CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). But a few weeks earlier, I had started hearing positive feedback about DBT, so I was curious and excited to learn more about a modality I had never explored.

(Side note: I’m currently studying to become a counsellor, so I’ve been exploring a wide range of therapy models and learning what I wish I had known earlier.)

Then, on Wednesday, something hit me. Two things, actually.

First, DBT is a blend of CBT and emotional regulation. I had tried CBT back in 2018, but at the time, I was so emotionally dysregulated that it didn’t stick. It felt too cognitive, too much in the head, and not anchored in the body. I was trying to change my thoughts without addressing the root of the pain in my nervous system. And so the patterns came back, quickly. But I didn’t know what I know now.

Looking back, I wish that therapist had picked up on my emotional dysregulation. I’m a natural cryer so it’s not hard to miss. (Of course, crying doesn’t always mean dysregulation, but in my case, I was completely flooded.) She should’ve noticed.

That experience left me with the impression that CBT wasn’t for me. It felt shallow. It was missing something essential.

So when I learned that DBT included both the cognitive and emotional components, finally, both sides of the coin, I thought: This is it. I know that’s what we need for people and I’m happy to see that someone thought of it!

We watched a video of Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT. No surprise, she was dedicated on helping people with suicidal ideation and those diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (because that’s how she could get research funding). The video showed such promising results from DBT, people actually learning to manage their emotions and shift long-standing patterns.

And then it hit me again: Why did it take me more than 20 years to feel better?

And by better, I mean emotionally regulated. Out of depression. Able to breathe…

Here’s the truth: access to therapy is a privilege.

CBT in 2018 was the only therapy I ever accessed. Therapy is expensive. I rarely had health coverage, so it was all out-of-pocket, and that adds up fast.

So, what did I do over those two decades? Self-help books. Energy healing. Yoga. Meditation. Esoteric tools. Talking with friends. Trying my best to grow. I tried over 100 tools, big or small.

But it wasn’t enough. I was deeply dysregulated. Depressed. Possibly more, who knows, I never got a diagnosis. I guess I was functioning enough on the outside. But I was missing something.

One of my trauma symptoms is memory loss, so there are gaps in what I remember, but I remember enough to know how I felt: I was never happy. My partner knows it too.

Fortunately, something shifted in early 2023. For the first time in my life, I started to feel emotionally regulated. I finally experienced what it’s like to not be depressed and manage my emotions not just for a few hours or a weekend but for months at a time.

Life still happens. Stress still shows up. But it’s not the same anymore. I’m not overwhelmed for days on end. And even when I am, I can find comfort, tools, and a sense of safety inside myself.

So again: why did it take me so long?

Yes, I have trauma. But DBT shows results even for people with suicidal ideation. And I didn’t even experience that.

Was it really just that I never accessed the right kind of therapy?

Is self-help just not enough for trauma?

Now that I’m studying to become a counsellor, I can clearly see what self-help is missing.

A big one? Empathy.

Empathy is healing. And I never truly received it, not even from the CBT therapist I saw in 2018.

Self-help is often a lonely road. Even if you have friends or join a community, people don’t always know how to really listen or respond with empathy.

I started receiving true empathy in 2022 when I worked with my favourite energy healer/soul coach, Andrea Woodhouse. Looking back now, I see how much empathy she offered, how deeply that mattered, alongside all her amazing tools.

Being unconditionally supported by someone changes things. It rewires something inside.

I also wish I had learned emotional regulation earlier.

I only came across the concept in 2020 when I started my mindfulness journey through the MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) course (which I highly recommend).

Interestingly, emotional regulation wasn’t even part of mainstream self-help before 2020. I looked it up, it only became more common around that time. That’s a relief, in a way. No wonder I hadn’t found it earlier.

When I entered the yoga world in 2007, I had no idea what “anchoring” meant. I was moving my body, yes, but it just wasn’t enough.

In spiritual and energy healing spaces, trigger management weren’t really taught. We bypassed a lot.

And I didn’t even realize I had childhood trauma until much later.

The word trauma only entered mainstream conversations more recently. It’s a heavy word, one not to be used lightly.

And with my memory loss, I only remembered a whole other layer of my trauma last year.

So what was I even trying to heal all those years before???

Last week, I felt a deep sadness. A grief for all the years it took me to feel better. And I know I’m not the only one feeling this way.

But I also know: I did what I could.

I didn’t have access to therapy. And still, I did the work.

Would I have preferred to feel better sooner? Of course.

Would I have learned this much about myself had I gone the therapy route from the beginning? Maybe not.

Maybe I wouldn’t even be studying counselling right now.

The universe has a way of guiding us, even through pain, toward what we’re meant to do.

So no, I don’t regret the path I took. Easy to say now that I’m on the other side.

Now I know what works for me. And I know that deep healing involves mind, body, emotion, and spirit.

Grieving how long it took me to heal is real.

But I also feel more confident than ever that people can heal, faster, when they receive the right support. Even those with suicidal ideation.

There is so much hope.

We need better tools. More access. And a deeper understanding of the full human experience.

⚠️ If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts or deep emotional distress:

• In Canada, you can call or text 988 for immediate support.
• In the U.S., dial or text 988 as well. You’re not alone.
• In another country? Find the phone number here.

🌱 If you’ve been struggling with your mental health or feeling like healing is taking longer than it should, you’re not alone. I’m currently offering counselling sessions as a student counsellor, and I’d be honoured to support you on your path. Reach out anytime. Contact me