How to be human, not happy

Because it’s not about always being happy, it’s about welcoming every emotion as part of being human.

I got a little annoyed a few weeks ago when I saw yet another person selling happiness.

Our society is so focused on positive happiness: always being happy, always smiling, chasing amazing experiences, vacations, weekends…

Most of us are still trying to make more money than we need, buy a house, buy more stuff, have kids, drive nice cars…

I’m not saying it’s easy to let go of those desires. I want money and vacations too.

Courses that promise happiness, the best life, relief in a two-hour workshop, or “life-changing experiences” annoy me in two ways: they sell the impossible, they’re overly optimistic, unrealistic, and unreasonable, all in such a limited time.

Yet, as clients, we keep buying.

The biggest problem is what we’re trying to buy: happiness.

It’s simply not realistic to purchase a permanently positive life.

We’re being sold the sun, the beach, joy…

But the real work is learning to accept life as it is.

Because the rain will come. We’ll have to go back to work instead of staying at the beach. We’ll get angry again. The car will break down again. We’ll get sick, break a plate, lose a sock in the laundry…

Life keeps happening. We can’t stop it.

We might avoid it for a little while, but it always catches up.

I’m not saying this is easy. I’m saying it’s probably easier to face the truth: Life will keep happening.

So maybe, instead of always chasing the sun and the beach, we learn to live with what is.

Because even if the beach was forever, we’d eventually get bored. Watch The Good Place: they show that concept beautifully in the final episode: “It doesn’t matter how great things are – if they go on forever, they get boring.”

In neuroscience, we call this our window of tolerance. It’s the range in which we can emotionally “tolerate” life as it happens: the car breaking down, the traffic jam, the flu, the alarm that didn’t ring…

Tolerating doesn’t mean giving up. It means not letting our reactions rule us. Of course, if someone runs a stop sign and you’re about to cross the street — get mad! (Trust me, I do it all the time. My husband doesn’t understand why I complain about that crosswalk near our place every single time – ha! This is me being vulnerable and showing you I still have work to do too. We’re in this together.)

But the real work is this:

To feel anger or fear – but not let it drive you.

Feel it. Acknowledge it. And then choose how to respond.

If someone is mean to you, I’m not saying let it go. I’m saying: don’t add more meanness into the world.

Regulate. Reflect. Respond.

This is what it is to be human. Or, if you prefer that word: this is what it is to be happy.

Happiness isn’t about always feeling good. It’s about being okay with all your emotions: the good, the bad, the confusing, the ugly. Think about it: we have six primary emotions. Why do we only value one? All six have something to offer: Happiness, sadness, anger, fear, surprise, and disgust. We need to learn to befriend them all. We need to learn to be comfortable with our emotions, and with life as it is, not as we wish it were.

So the next time you go to therapy, yoga, or a self-help workshop, don’t aim to be “happy.” Aim to be present with everything inside you. Meet yourself with kindness. Embrace the whole of you – the ups, the downs – without judgment.

And if you’re struggling with depression, anxiety, chronic pain, or anything else – I see you. Of course you want to feel better. Of course you want a life without suffering. If you’re reading this, it tells me you’re already doing the work.

So maybe, just shift the goal a little. Instead of chasing happiness, try practicing humanity. I’ve been there. I’m still there in fact. I know what it’s like. I’m grateful I heard this wisdom early in my healing journey. And still… it was and it is hard. I wanted happiness too. I still do. Sometimes I lose sight of this wisdom. Maybe you will too. And that’s okay. I’m just planting a seed. A wise one. You might not see the growth right away – but it’s there.

Take a breath.

So how do we practice being human?

The theory is always easier.

The practice is:

• Showing up.
• Being present.
• Aware.
• Kind.
• Better judgmental.

It’s acknowledging your feelings. Validating them. Instead of pushing them away – let them be seen. They want what you want:
To be heard.
To be seen.
To be met.
To be understood.
Just like you.

Take a gentle breath here. You’re not alone.

And how do we really do this in practice?

Through mindful moments woven into your day, and a consistent mindfulness practice. By gently growing awareness of both the mind and the body.

Why mindfulness? Because in its definition, there’s a key phrase: “without judgment”. That’s the part that matters here. Though honestly, I’d change it to “with better judgment” because that’s more realistic. We’re human. We do judge. And sometimes, we need to, to stay safe, to assess danger, to make decisions. But the practice is learning to bring less judgment to what doesn’t need it, and better judgment to what does.

Less judgment when the car breaks down again — and the big repair bill arrives. Less judgment when we’re sad, or stuck, or overwhelmed. And even less judgment when something great happens – like an amazing party – and we don’t want it to end. Because it will end. And the next great moment might not come for a while.

So by learning to accept that there are hard times and there are easier times, life becomes easier.

And yes, you might also need therapy. I’d recommend mind-body therapies, because our bodies hold emotions and pain. Talk therapy alone can only go so far.

And maybe – just maybe – happiness will come.

Not as a goal. But as a side effect of living honestly, being present, and showing yourself compassion.

Not perfect.

Not always joyful.

But deeply, beautifully human.