Pulled in Every Direction: Between Fear and Joy

One more step toward self-worth, even when fear tries to sabotage everything.

Why is it so hard to accept the good in ourselves?

Why so much fear in my heart and in my body?

This long weekend, I had the chance to take part in an incredible women’s gathering, organized by Réseau-Femmes BC, in a beautiful place by a lake – Loon Lake.

We were about 60 French-speaking women, from all over the world: from Africa (Senegal, Morocco, Cameroon…), to Europe (Belgium, Poland, France…), through North America (U.S. and Mexico), Asia (Jordan), Russia… Such diversity, such richness.

But the first 24 hours, I was swimming in fear.

Fear of talking too much.

Fear of not letting others speak.

Fear of asking the wrong questions.

Fear of being judged, of overdoing it, of taking up too much space.

Fear of not being liked.

Of not being loved.

So. Many. Fears.

Some based on past experiences, sure, but many fed by my own thoughts and my lack of self-confidence.

It was only on Sunday evening, while talking to an old friend I hadn’t seen in about six years, that something clicked.

As we caught up on the past few years, and finally said out loud how much we enjoyed being around each other, I realized how I had once again fallen into the trap of my own negative thoughts.

Phew. What a relief.

A little wink to you, my friend, you’ll recognize yourself 💛

Can’t wait to see you more often… and maybe even be bold enough to tease you if you don’t reply to my texts fast enough!

The rest of the gathering was much lighter, though fear was still lingering in the background.

And then came the most emotional moment:

An activity where we formed two lines of women, one on each side, creating a corridor.

One woman at a time would slowly walk through it, eyes closed, receiving kind words and heartfelt appreciation from every person along the way.

Everyone walked.

Everyone gave.

Soft, sincere, powerful words.

And that’s when you really feel what sisterhood means.

That’s when I thought: how can there be so much fear on one side… and so much joy on the other?

Yes, I know the “theory”: survival instinct (thank you, nervous system!), childhood messages, in my case, too often harsh or negative…

But still! It has to stop. It makes no sense anymore. These fears are ruining my life.

They hold me back.

They slow me down.

Once again, I wasn’t able to calm those inner fears when I needed it the most.

And during that activity… it was so beautiful to hear how these women see me from the outside.

I’m just beginning to notice good things in myself.

Did I tell you that, a few weeks ago, it was the very first time I said I love you to myself?

No grimace.

No eye-roll.

Just… honestly.

It was about time.

I hope you’ve said it to yourself too.

And if not yet, I invite you to try.

And if it still feels hard… I get it. I had never even thought of it before.

There are so many things we work on, and yet… that idea had never occurred to me. No one had ever suggested it. But deep down, I think I just wasn’t ready.

It’s thanks to an open-ended assignment from school that I decided to start looking at myself in the mirror, really looking, without turning away.

To gently touch my own skin, with full presence.

And one day, without planning to, the words came: I love you.

And that day… I noticed I didn’t flinch.

Bingo.

I had done it.

I’m not saying I love myself 100%. Far from it. I’m not even sure I know what love is.

But I’ve crossed over from the “zero” point, onto the “plus” side of the spectrum.

And that, for me, is huge.

It’s beautiful to be nourished by all these amazing women (some of them wonder-mothers too 😉).

But tonight? Tomorrow?

Who’s going to keep nourishing me with kind words?

How do I do that, alone, at home?

That’s when I realized: the only way forward is to build my worth from the inside.

Not from how others see me.

Even though yes, that feels good. Of course.

But it’s never enough.

We always want more. And when we’re alone… it all drops again.

So how do we build our own sense of inner worth?

One of the facilitators shared a little acronym I love:

PPPP — the “Plus Petit Pas Possible” (SPS – the Smallest Possible Step).

What is the smallest possible step I can take today, to feed that inner trust, that self-worth, that tiny seed of joy?

For me, it’s small moments of mindfulness.

I pause.

I bring attention to my body… to my heart…

And I say gentle phrases I can actually receive:

• “I must have worth.”
• “Surely I have something to offer.”
• “I have a good heart.”
• “I love sharing.”
• “I care deeply.”

It may not sound like much.

But for me, it’s a lot.

I’ll keep going.

And I know these good things inside me will keep growing, at my own pace.

I still don’t recognize clearly positive sensations in my body. I’m sure they’re there, but maybe they’re still too subtle. And… that’s OK.

It’s already a huge win for me to be able to practice this.

What about you? What helps you build your sense of worth?

Share with us.

And if you have fears like I do, share those too.

So we can feel a little less alone.

So we can remember we’re human. Together.

Because most of the time… we have more in common than we think.

And when we speak from that place, our hearts get a little lighter. Our fears, a little softer.

And despite all those emotions… we also had so much fun!

We laughed about our ages (shocked we looked younger than we are!), about kids who spill the truth without realizing it —

“Mom, when are you leaving? Because when you’re not here, we eat candy and have parties with Dad!” 😄

We sang around the fire, ate S’mores, did a cold plunge in the lake, and ran straight to the sauna… Early morning yoga. Workshops led by inspiring women. I can’t write it all down — but my heart remembers everything.

Emotions really can flow through everything.

They move.

They layer.

Some take up all the space.

Some stay quietly in the background.

And every time I connected… joy came through.

Laughter. Encounters. Sisterhood.