Struggling to See My Own Strengths: A Journey of Self-Acceptance
A Reflection on Shadow Work, Body Image, and Finding My True Self
So far, I’ve been talking about my fears of showing myself, standing up, and standing out. But on the other side of this, is the challenge of embracing who I am, with my values, strengths, qualities, and even what I might call my weaknesses (as I’m learning about shadow work). And that’s been difficult too.
Last week, I dug deeper into shadow work, especially for women. I started watching a workshop called The Shadow Side of the Feminine by Maanee Chrystal, and I was surprised by what I learned. I knew but couldn’t connect to what women have been going through, and still are. This adds another layer of trauma to an already long list. No kidding. I’ve been unconscious of how much I’ve internalized society’s expectations of the feminine. But now that I know, many things are starting to make sense.
On one hand, there’s a lot of sadness, some anger (probably more than I’m ready to accept), but there’s also relief, because it brings so much clarity to some of my questions.
For the past few months, I’ve had this feeling that I needed to work on my body image, but I had no idea how it would show up. This is a big part of it. This might be it!
Along with the workshop, this week in class, we’ve been talking about body image. I shared how I’m realizing how much the society and culture I grew up in (I’m from France) told me not to show myself. You might be surprised, but in France, we were taught not to stand out. Bragging about ourselves or others was a no-no. Otherwise, it was viewed as arrogant. I’ve been watching The Parisian Agency, and they mentioned the same thing about how we show ourselves, comparing the American way versus the French way. So, I’m not crazy. No wonder it’s been so hard to show myself these days. It’s ingrained deep down since my youngest age.
This is one side of the spectrum. Then I talked with two friends who are from Brazil, and over there, it’s the opposite. They are expected to show their bodies. It actually depends on the city, but overall, they do show themselves, sometimes even too much. So, now what?
Now I (and you?) need to figure out what I want for myself, not what the society expects from me. I have to work on teaching my nervous system that it’s OK to show myself, to feel pretty, to wear makeup if I want to, and to wear clothes I’ve been afraid of wearing because they might show my body too much.
I realized this issue when I tried the question in shadow work:
“Write three qualities in relation to a woman’s sexuality that you judge.”
I will be honest and vulnerable here. Here’s exactly what I wrote (I invite you to write your answer before reading mine):
My answer: Why are they showing their boobs? Why are they wearing tight and short dresses and tops? Why do they need to show themselves so much? Unless it’s for attention?
Shadow work is showing me that part of me actually does want to show myself and have attention, but it’s been repressed by the French culture and environment I grew up in.
I realize I need to allow myself to feel the anger I’ve been carrying, because I can see how my life, and likely yours too, has been shaped by these beliefs, preventing our true selves from shining. Taking a breath here… Becoming aware of this systemic trauma is frustrating. I can feel it for all women. How our journey toward becoming who we truly are has been slowed by these deeply ingrained beliefs. But these realizations are beginning to clear the way for the new versions of ourselves we want to be.
Another thing I realized during my women’s circle is my lack of self-worth. This hit me hard. It’s like I’m unable to see what others see in me. Why? Why is it so hard to see our own values, qualities, and worth, while others see them so easily? I know it’s time to start seeing my worth. It’s a work in progress, and I can’t wait to tap into it more and feel it. Deep down, I must know I’m worthy. But something, some belief, has been preventing me from seeing the truth. That’s the hero’s journey I’m on this year, I think. If you’re still reading, I have a feeling you’re on that journey too!
During the circle, I said: “I must be pretty awesome!” Not fully believing it yet, but starting the process 😉
If you’re on this journey as well, be kind with yourself. Awareness is the first step. It might take some time, and that’s OK. We are where we are, as long as we keep trying. One day, it will happen, little by little.
What could you start doing to see your strengths?
- Show yourself some kindness. What would you tell a friend? Tell yourself the same!
- One affirmation that values you, even if it starts with “I’m starting to…”
- If affirmations don’t work for you (we have to believe it for it to work, so that’s OK if you don’t believe it yet), what’s one small thing you could do? Perhaps give yourself a hug?
This week, I started wearing this furry black sweater, which I would never have had the courage to wear because it’s on the edge of what I feel comfortable with. I even went out with it and wore it at school. It was fun to push the boundaries and be OK with it!
During a few counselling sessions, I also visualized the pink Care Bear, Boo from Monsters, Inc., and Galadriel. I decided to print their images and tape them by my desk so I can see them and get inspired by the energy I want to tap into these days!
I feel lucky and grateful that my classmates have been telling me how wonderful I am. It’s hard to believe, but it’s time for me to embrace it and start seeing those qualities. I’ve also discovered them through personality tests and feedback from other friends. I am not evil. I am doing my best. I am still human.
Perhaps we need to be more realistic. I wanted to say “lower the bar,” but that’s not quite right. Maybe we’ve been too idealistic, comparing ourselves to heroes in movies or stars on social media. But those are only showing one side of their story, and they’re not true stories – even when they are, they’ve been romanticized. So, maybe we need to start being more realistic.
My mind expects me to be perfect, but if I look at the people I love, I see their authenticities, humanity, joy, tears, and struggles. That’s why I love them. I love the way they are, even when they annoy me 😉 That’s what makes them beautiful.
Take a breath. Feel gratitude for your friends, maybe your family, for being human.
This perspective shift allows me to appreciate my own humanity and the beauty of imperfection in me and those around me. ♥
