What if Joy is on the Other Side of Fear?

Unpacking the fear of joy, old beliefs, and the journey back to self-trust

A few weeks ago, I was trying to use a new technique we’re learning at school: the DBT “chain analysis”, to understand a recurring pattern in my life: why I avoid looking for a job that I love and that pays well.

The truth? I’ve always avoided it.

I came to Vancouver to avoid job hunting in France. I started my first business to avoid facing that same fear. I’m probably studying so much now to keep postponing it.

That avoidance comes from a deep, old belief planted by my parents: I’m not good enough.

It’s a belief so many of us carry, and it shows up differently for everyone.

Do you recognize it in yourself?

I really want to break this pattern. I’m tired of the old ways of being. So I used what we’re learning in school right now and started asking myself deeper questions.

Then this one hit me hard:

What emotion feels most dangerous to feel?

My answer surprised me: Joy.

Yes. I’m actually scared of feeling joy.

• “What if I let myself hope and then I fail?”
• “What if I feel good for a moment and it’s taken away?”
• “What if I start believing in something, or in myself, and I’m wrong?”

Somewhere inside, a voice whispers:

Joy is not safe.

It makes sense now.

When I was a child and wanted to go play, my mom would ask, “Are you done with your homework?” The answer was always no, because no matter what, it was never good enough for her. In France, the after-school workload is intense, much more than here in North America. So instead of joy, I was often met with more homework… or cleaning my bedroom. Of course I did get to play sometimes, but only after I had worked hard. Joy had to be earned. And even then, it didn’t always feel safe.

Also, when I would come home with a perfect grade, my dad would joke, “Can do better!” Sure, it was kind of funny at the time, but was it? The message stuck.

So I built proof, over and over again, that reaching for joy gets crushed.

Why even try?

That explains so much now:

Why I lean toward pessimism.

Why I don’t let myself dream.

Why I resist setting goals.

Even in recent years, I’ve noticed: when I get excited about a new opportunity, say, a potential client, it often doesn’t work out. So I’ve learned that having no expectationsseems safer. And in a way, that is aligned with Buddhism and mindfulness: letting go, non-attachment, no judgment.

But still… this fear of joy feels deeper than that.

And understanding where it comes from doesn’t automatically tell me what to do next.

Lately, I’ve started wondering if the missing piece is self-worth.

I’m exploring what words like self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence actually mean… and realizing I don’t have much of them. Or maybe they’re buried so deep I’ve forgotten how to access them.

Another thing I noticed that’s interesting is: receiving positive feedback from friends or classmates doesn’t help. So I know I need to build something from within. Something that doesn’t rely on praise or validation from others.

I need to start believing in myself. From the inside out.

Lately, I’ve been exploring these self-wholeness terms, self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem…, and looking into practices that can actually help me build them. It’s not easy. I feel some resistance. But deep down, I have a sense that this is my next step.

Another part of this process might be about reparenting myself, offering the kind of nurturing, love, and encouragement I needed as a child.

I started reading The Undervalued Self by Dr. Elaine N. Aron. It connects childhood trauma to the sense of an undervalued self. That landed hard. I had never made that connection so clearly.

Maybe on the outside I’m a hyper-functioning adult because I can’t afford to collapse. But under the functioning, I feel small. Fragile. Like there’s no solid self-worth underneath it all.

What About You?

Do you have big fears that you avoid?

Is there an emotion, like joy, that feels dangerous to let in?

What might be waiting for you… on the other side of fear?

I saw this note this morning, perfect timing for this article: From Quiet Wisdom:

My therapist told me this, and it changed my life:

“You’re not healing to be able to handle trauma, pain, anxiety, depression. You’re used to those.

You’re healing to be able to handle joy and to accept happiness back into your life.”

❤️❤️❤️

🌱 If you’ve been struggling with your mental health or feeling like healing is taking longer than it should, you’re not alone. I’m currently offering counselling sessions as a student counsellor, and I’d be honoured to support you on your path. Reach out anytime. Contact me